Right now. This moment. (stillness) Seems like the perfect time to write. It's the perfect time to write because I feel clarity after a very emotional, couple of days, maybe a week, phase.
Hold on a minute. I'm going to go look at the moon...
We are having the raw and intense pleasure of being in a Full Wolf Moon. How lovely. How sacred and blatant this feeling that has been coursing through my veins this week. Let me share my revelations of this feeling, this phase and the pull that this moon has upon us. Maybe not all of us, but here is how it affected me. Not only is it a Full Wolf Moon but it is also in Leo. Yes, I know the sign of the month, presently, is Aquarius. The Moon is in Leo. That's research for you to do if you feel so inclined. But for the sake of the reader, let's move on, shall we?
This week, I have been more aware of the fact that I am a woman on this planet, than I have been in a long time. Actually, it's been building over about a month, but this last week, it was full on female experience extreme, set phasers to maim.
I find that I get so wrapped up in work that I have very little, if any, time to pursue anything near a social life, other than what gets squeezed in around the children, the gym, work, second work, homework, lab work and so on and so forth. When an evening out presents itself, I can fill it with any number of things I need to get done that I don't even take those opportunities to stretch my human emotional wings and really fly.
I awoke at the beginning of this week with a great hunger. When I say great hunger, I don't intend to mean that my stomach was growling and that I would remain completely salty until I ate some food. No. This was a Great Hunger. A Real Hunger. Born of the fire of Who and What I am, crying out to be attended to. I was Soul Hungry with no clear idea of what to do about it. You can go to bars or the library, or a sci fi convention and you may find any number of things related to the outskirts of what I was hungry for, but that satisfaction comes with hard work and time. I was hungry NOW. Please don't misunderstand, that was not all I was hungry for.
I was also Hungry for Security. Hunger for a stable environment for my children and my family. A Hunger for food we could count on and safe water and air to breathe. It didn't help that there were so many chemtrails in the air this week. They were drawing bulls eye's with them in the sky! I took pictures! I felt trapped, like an animal in a cage and it was made of green, paper money. Yes, I'm making more money now, in this chapter of my life. But what I want to be doing and the things I hold really important, all get pushed to the side in pursuit of this green paper. The Security I am longing so desperately for is land, with reliable water, reliable off grid power, food in the garden and in the animals, a family strong for how much they depend on and need each other to function, free of the system. Yeah you can have a family in the city and we can all go out for a family dinner and all of us can be on our cell phones the whole time. Yes, living off grid might be hard work, but I'd rather work hard for my family than work hard to stare at technology. Don't get anything done that way.
Sorry for the rant. I am feeling this Moon and I am feeling my being and how it relates to the world around me and it is intense in the Fisher household tonight. I think about the way I was raised and I can't express enough gratitude that I was raised by my parents. Parents with strong values. We may not see eye to eye on philosophy and other belief structures, but values are so important. My heart aches when I see my 9 year old enraptured by her phone and her look that she gets right before she starts crying... for not being allowed to use her phone at the dinner table. I want them to look at nature, to plant things, to ride horses, to gather eggs, to help in the kitchen as a family together, to sit and gaze at the stars and all the other things that chasing this green for a shaky sense of security, keeps me from doing. That was my Hunger in regards to Security. Real Security. Food. Shelter. Water. Family.
There are other factors to add to the equation. I wanted to start a juice fast. I was taking a continuing education course to renew my license. This will come up later as to why it's important.
So, this week I was feeling these things. It was making me sad. I don't like to be sad. So I began stuffing it down to deal with later. Swallow the lump in your throat, Stacy, there's work to be done. Let me tell you something about Massage Therapy. Guess what you have a lot of time to do while you're working. Think. Think some more. Think for hours in a very serene, very quiet environment. I couldn't help but think about the things I was missing in life that I wanted. Then I would berate myself and say "No, you are supposed to think about what you want." So that is where I introduced guilt for wanting these things. Or a feeling of weakness that I would feel sad that I didn't have these things instead of feeling grateful for the many things I do have. It was a back and forth struggle to feel justified to feel something so strongly. I analyze too much, I know this.
That wasn't the only thing strange about this week. In the evenings, before bed time, I was glued to my son. I felt so protective over him, this week that I wanted to be around him constantly; impossible with my work schedule and his Dad having him for the weekend. I like that his Dad is in his life. Women out there know the Mother Wolf feeling that comes over you at times and the need to be near your children is as important as breathing. Strange stuff.
Coffee break... So good.....
I felt the need to purge myself of impurities. I got the idea from my father and I wanted to juice fast. I will say that I have not made a whole day, only drinking juice but I did feel the effects and my body has been clearing itself out. I'm glad I have reintroduced healthy juices as meal replacements into my life.
The first morning I started juicing, I drank a glass of water with a tea spoon of epsom salt. Then I made a hearty vegetable juice. I chugged it and immediately went to water aerobics. I felt like I couldn't work hard enough, like I was Superwoman. Then I went to work and the first massage was great. I felt that I really got into my work. But at the end, I started to feel very ill. I laid down and fell almost immediately to sleep. It's like I felt energy moving through my body. I was aware of my body's inner workings and I felt alive. I have always been very in tune with my body but it felt like beams of light were going over me and I could feel the light.
After this, I really began paying very close attention to the physical aspect of myself. I was listening. When I juiced, I set powerful intention into the juice, that it would work it's highest good in me. Now my week had transformed into "I'm Hungry and I'm Paying Attention To Myself" The neatest part was to come next.
I did not go out and specifically pick my continuing education course. I got it because it was on sale and the number of hours I needed. What tickled me pink was that when I began reading it, I discovered the subject matter was a topic I had taken quite an interest in this previous year and had devoted a lot of study to. A topic I was fascinated with. The Brain. It was more about feelings and the role they play in our health and wellness but with a lot of focus on how the brain functioned in regard to said topic. Now I was "Soul Hungry, Paying Attention, and now officially, Learning About Feelings and the importance of feeling them, integrating them into my life instead of shutting them out. What perfect timing! I needed this course in my life and I got it. Right at the last minute before my license was up.
It made references to a book I read last year by Candace Pert called Molecules of Emotion. What an amazing book. So well written! It put so much love and feeling back into science as well as putting science squarely in the middle of feeling. It also gave an even weightier feeling to the term Vibration. When we feel something, our bodies release peptides. These peptides join with receptor sites on our cells and actually vibrate, once linked up. When I am happy, my body produces peptides and all my cells are dancing with good vibes. When I think sad thoughts, peptides are released and my cells feel a different beat to a darker tune. The beautiful part is neither is necessarily bad or good. Sometimes, our organs, which also have these receptor sites, need those other peptides to do certain functions at certain times. Please read her book. You will love it.
This course I was learning was telling me that thoughts and feelings determined health. Okay, I am familiar with those theories and I believe them too. What was different was this was the first time I read that it was okay to feel anger. It's okay to really feel and suffer in that sadness. Let go and bare yourself to the feelings that threaten to smother you in it's darkness. In letting go the answer makes itself apparent. If we don't integrate the experience, then we stuff it down. It is there to access at anytime we feel the need to get that fix of peptide related vibes. We can feel ugly, hurt, angry anytime we want. Or we can look the hurt dead on. We can really look at it and feel our roles in the play, the scenarios laid bare with the responsibility of ourselves and others as they truly fall in line. To be honest with ourselves about why we feel the way we do.
So I made the decision to give myself over to really feeling what I felt. I would embrace it. I wasn't going to fly off the handle but I would allow myself to be human, to experience these thoughts and to observe the effects of the chemicals being released, naturally, by my body. I paid attention to how music made me feel. I paid attention to how this amazing book I'm reading made me feel. I was examining how I felt when I thought about different people I knew. I discovered things I didn't know about how I felt about people and things. This week has been very enlightening.
Here is what I discovered. I want to buy land. I already knew that. But I wanted it so bad it hurts. I want to continue to learn new and amazing ways to help people in my Work. I want to be an amazing Mother. I want to fall in love. Real Love. I wasn't ready before now but I have crossed whatever invisible line I had set for myself in the sand. I have accepted myself and I love Me. All of Me. The good, the bad, the smart, the lazy, the motivated, the scheming, manipulative, caring, genuine, giving, taking, lying, honest, lover, fighter, friend, enemy, mother, daughter, sister, shrewd, confused, justified, guilty, wonderful, horrible Me. Every aspect of myself is a worthy part of Me. I am strong enough to keep those things in check because I have those things we spoke of earlier. Values. But I accept and love every facet of Stacy Fisher. She is amazing. After all... she is Me.
Today, I heard a story, that I will keep to myself as it is not my own. The story was very sad and it made me think a lot. After a week of being so Hungry for those things that I mentioned above, I met a person who spoke with the devastation of no hope. It broke my heart. I saw Loss in his eyes and my soul wept for him. I watched him stuff it down. I watched him put his loss away to conceal it. I thought about the story for the rest of the day and I examined my feelings about it.
I was sad and I let myself be sad. It was raining outside.I played sad music on the juke box. Instrumental music so my mind could stay the course of my chosen reflection instead of anothers interpretation of their own woes. I thought about old lovers who I had wronged and ones who had wronged me. I thought of the things I didn't like about myself and wanted to change. I thought of friends I had loved so dearly and lost due to miles and miles between us. I thought of those people I longed for that I had felt a true connection with, a real meeting of souls that does not happen overnight. I mourned the loss of those relationships and comfortable times. I mourned the loss of every hour spent away from my children. I mourned the loss of time doing what I wanted to do with my life. I mourned stupid decisions I had made that affected my whole life. I mourned times where I should have taken the risk that could have been a fairy tale ending and didn't because of poor self image and a pathetic need to be reassured. Actually, some of my most regrettable mistakes in life stemmed from the need to be reassured of someones intentions, friendship or love. Then the root. Fear. I mourned all I had lost due to Fear and it's grip on my life. It's okay to be a raw, feeling human. If I don't feel, what is the point of living. Not feeling is worse. To be Hungry or to be blissfully, miserably, wonderfully, terribly ALIVE!!!!!! I admitted it to myself, I want to FEEL ALIVE!!!!!!!!!
I believed I had come to a place of peace in myself. And then it
happened. Something happened today that I had not experienced in a very
long time. I lost my temper. I felt my feelings all the way to the
explosion. I know why it made me so angry, too. I analyzed it after I
lost it but I eventually figured it out.
It is probably a law of nature that you can not be so open and not get in a tiff with someone. That's probably not true, I just can't think of a good reason for what happened next. I had an argument with a friend. Something was said that made me so filled with the fire of anger that I crashed my fists down upon my desk. It felt good. I did it again and again. Then I stood and I kicked my desk and I kicked the door and I threw my head back and wailed my anger through the house. I verbalized my angry thoughts and I set my anger free. Let me just say that my wrists really hurt. Like a lot. I shouldn't have done that. And I hate the hole that is in the basement door now, due to my anger. Those two things aside, I feel better! I really shouted out something that hurt me to the core. I let the Universe know what I couldn't tolerate. The person I was arguing with got the picture too but I had to release it. I had to get it out. I embraced that anger and like the Wolf, I howled my frustration and stood over the territory of my intentions, I defended my right to Self and I was heard. After that, I could let it go. I didn't need to carry it anymore. I cuddled my son and then put him to bed. I sat down with my really great book by Robin Hobb and I felt so clear. I felt like I had made a decision. I wanted to write about it and share my revelation. But it was incomplete... Until I looked at the Moon.
I sat down to write about how this changing face of the Moon has been for me and I realized, I needed to go bask in the light of Her before I could share. Then I felt what this blog was really about. I went outside and as I looked up, there were clouds, blanketing the sky, except for where She was. They were parting around Her so I could see. I went in to get shoes because of the wet ground and when I returned the sky was clear and I could gaze upon Her. I was filled with a pulling feeling that seemed to come from my chest and a sound somewhat like elated pleasure escaped my lips. I thought, "Did I just howl?" I think I did. It felt amazingly right and it caressed something that needed it desperately in my Soul. I called out to the Moon. I admitted my Humanness to myself and I stared up, fiercely wanting those things that are mine by right of the simple fact that I Am. I said to the Moon "I Am Hungry. I am Hungry for those things of a Human. It's okay that I want them and I will pursue them with a Vengeance of a Woman who deserves them.
As I stood, gazing at her beauty, I thought about the name of this Full Moon. The Full Wolf Moon. Called so by the gathering of wolves outside the village and howling in their hunger as Winter's time of scarce food came to a slow end before the emergence of Spring. In that moment, feeling the Hunger of the Wolf and it's pack, howling their need in the night and the strength and power of the Lion of Leo, I embraced my strong Hunger and unquenchable desire to have Love, Water, Food Shelter, Family and a Mate. I opened myself up and released this desire to the Universe. I embrace my animal nature. I love it. Yes, I am a human being. That also means I am a biological animal of this planet. Laptops, cell phones, gadgets and what have you, are not required for happiness. Not for this meat suit anyway. It's okay for me to want those things. I feel better that I have accepted that I wanted them and that they are basic needs we all share.
Thank you all for reading this tid bit of revelations and the meaning of my life. I hope you enjoyed it and that it helps people. Thank you for reading.