Full Beaver Moon
Hello, Dearies. It's been a while but I have returned with another Full Moon writing, exposing my ebbs and flows in the Universe at large. I hope you enjoy my rantings as I enjoy the hell out of doing it. I am excited to share what has shifted in my consciousness since I last sat and wrote of my yearnings on the night of a Full Moon. Don't get me wrong. Every one of them since has been extremely interesting. Maybe that's why I'm writing. It's a night of wanting, weeding through and deciding where exactly to go from here. Let's do this!
This year, the Year of the Snake, has definitely been a year of shedding old skin. It has been brutal. It has been a roller coaster of emotions and circumstances. I can say that events that would have normally taken years to process, presented themselves in such a forceful manner, that I nearly, simply flipped. But, looking back on everything that occurred, I would not be where I am. I'm not doing perfectly by anyone's standards but I am so pleased with the path I have found.
Well... IT found ME...
The Last Full Moon that I wrote about was the Full Wolf Moon. She was a doosie. I was FEELIN' IT that night. Symbolizing the time when it was still very cold but winter had been here a while. Food was scarce. Wolves would gather around villages and howl their want at the moon.
At the time, I was recovering from some pretty serious emotions and I wasn't handling it in the best or healthiest ways. I really needed to pick a path. That night, I went outside and let down all my walls between what I wanted and myself. I accepted my desires and I did what I always do. I made a gratitude list.
The energy shoved into that gratitude list was immense. It was loaded with emotion. I really wanted a family, a life, a career, to live in ways I felt were right. Nothing less could possibly do. After that, things seemed to be falling right into place. My business was steadying. The waters were choppy but I was learning to handle the ship. I was determined.
In May, it appeared my dreams were going to come true. I was beginning to feel independent. I was feeling more like myself than in the entire last year. My self esteem was returning and I was getting out of the house. I was reading more Spiritual books. Spending more time with amazing, wise women, I was learning more about the bonding and expanding gifts of doing Woman's Work. The journey was underway.
One day, as I was enjoying a break after painting my new office, my phone rang with an unrecognized number that was certainly not from here. Little did I know, that phone call would set in motion a chain of events so crazy, so maddening, yet so intricately woven that the design was divinely perfect. Even through everything that followed, I stand before the Universe, struck with awe. I throw my hands in the air and shake my head in amazement. She's wonderful and I love her. Or him. You know, the ALL. Floors me.
So, without dragging out the details, in a nut shell, this experience took me farther outside of my comfort zone than I had ever dared venture before. Unknown territory was just around the corner, everyday. It the madness that was the sudden upheaval of all that I knew as normal in the world, I had let go of the person who was getting her future together. Or so I had thought. Where I felt helpless and confused, events were happening in such a beautifully perfect way, that I HAD to feel just those feelings.
Even the books that I had decided to read were candles in the darkness. Nature Speak by Ted Andrews and Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, spoke directly to me to help guide me through the maze of insanity. The messages were so clear. An Owl presented itself to me no less than 5 times, signaling me to see what wasn't being shown and to hear what wasn't being said. The wolves book showed me that I was going through a sort of initiation to the next level of my womanhood. I had to face it, stand it and overcome it.
There was a morning where I was in the shower, where I do my BEST thinking, where an inspired thought cam to me. Why don't you take a yoga teacher training course? I had done yoga a few times. With not too much in the way of experience, I noted it and stored the idea, knowing it wasn't a usual thought to occur.
Another Full Moon comes. This one is special. They are all special but this one was especially significant for me. It was the Full Buck Moon. In nature, antlers are beginning to sprout and grow from the young bucks head. This being a symbol of spiritual growth, I needed to find out what I was going to do with my life in a spiritual sense.
After looking in my great big book for which herbs to acquire, I go about getting them. I stop into my local Mama Jeans. On my way back to the herbs, something catches my eye. Teach to Inspire Yoga Teacher Training brochures. I'm in a hurry but I did have the unusual thought so I folded it and stuffed it in my purse with the other loose receipts and clutter. I go home and do some spiritual work. Another gratitude list is made. There was so much attention to minute detail about what I really needed in my life.
I am glad I continued to search the inner world since I was unable to let myself enjoy the outer world. It was the morning after this work that I encountered the Owl for the first time. I had a feeling that my path was about to be revealed to me. At least some kind of answer to the messed up situation I had landed myself in. Or more accurately, the answer to the riddle the Universe had set me to solve in a way that I'm sure She must have found very humorous. I feel like She's like that. She's playful.
Luckily for me, I happened to dig through my purse a long while later and found my crumpled up brochure. Having forgot all about it, I was worried I might have missed out. Nope. There was still time. I find out the information and I set an appointment to meet the teacher. I immediately like her. There was something about her that was very like my teacher Ken Ladd who I learned the Applied BioMechanics from. They both love their work. They take it very seriously and the don't stray too far, if at all, from the way it was meant to be done. Not that that is the only way to teach a thing, it's just that I really like that. I have, since then, learned that it's the Pitta in me. (google it)
I begin yoga teacher training and it quickly starts to wake up feelings in me. A big one was this almost animal-like sense of urgency to break free from the cage I had trapped myself in. I was under the impression I was trapped by somebody else, but yoga and my teacher, awakened in me the realization that I was the one staying in a prison I allowed to form. Just like in the Wolves book, once a lie was recognized, I could no longer stand it. I brushed off my perceived restraints and moved on.
There are times when I wish I had not endured the heartache and helplessness of that time but it was so necessary to my growth. I learned of so many deeply integrated wrongs that were hard wired into my psyche. Social norms were a shield for me to hide behind, giving me excuses to exercise jealousy and control. I could not have made peace with those particular personal demons, had I not been made to confront them in ways I had never dared before.
There is freedom in letting go. Letting go of the need to control another person. Letting go of the perceived notion that someone else could control what I was doing. Letting go of worn out notions that no longer served my highest good. Letting go of the fear to try something new or to give something or someone a chance to try again.
All of the experiences this year have driven me toward to person I want to become. Even that has relaxed so much. Or maybe that idea has changed. Instead, I'm looking forward to just Becoming and I am in love with the journey to get there.
When I think about today's Full Moon, the Beaver Moon, setting the traps and giving it the last go to prepare for a hard winter; going inside the self for the season and preparing the soil for what comes next, I'm smiling. I want to be more loving, understanding, authentic and I feel like I finally have the right tools. All of those wants and desires that I howled about on the Wolf Moon, can only come about after I have been here, searching and exploring the Self. In searching the Self, I am finding the connection to All. Fulfillment does come from the inside out and I am feeling it happen.
Thank you for reading these words. I hope you had an enlightening Full Moon.